John and Jeff think:

• Shoplifters should be caged like animals in full view of customers.
• Sex is always better in hotels.
• Ugly people should not have kids.
• Shortman syndrome is the leading cause of road rage.

John now exclusively dates Asian women as a result of catching his former Latina girlfriend with another man at a Ricky Martin concert. John's most recent girlfriend of two months, know to listeners as "Ms. Thailand," recently admitted she's married. After being accused of committing adultery by Jeff, John claims there wasn't any adultery because he didn't know she was married, and because "there wasn't any penetration." John recently accepted an offer to attend a Lakers' game from "Ms. Thailand," saying "there is nothing wrong with sitting next to a married woman at a basketball game, plus they were floor seats."

John has a Ph.D. in Common Sense.

Jeff, who hasn't had sex in more than 16 months, joined a popular $3,000 upscale dating service (against the advice of John) in an effort to "elevate his game" in 2000. After six unsuccessful dating-service introductions, Jeff is confident "Ms. Right" is out there somewhere. Jeff is currently considering an offer to be a television spokesperson in a national late-night infomercial for his dating service.